My wife recently told our church that it was time for all of us to move onto a different level of outreach ministry. It was time for all of us to move out into our communities and to develop relationships with people who are not church members. We had done enough of the big show events, the Back-to-School Bashes, and the Easter Egg Hunts. We had worked enough with the Chamber of Commerce and our local schools and had done enough showy charity events to the place where we had earned a certain reputation in the community. It was now time to go out and to develop individual relationships, so we could make friends and eventually invite them to our church. The point is not to con people into becoming church members. No, the point is to truly commit to certain people and activities, to where we could become friends. We realize that friendship is a two-way street, so many of these new friends will stay friends, whether they ever come to the church or not. If we are committed disciples of Jesus Christ, we should want to share the love of God, and we should let him worry about the outcome!

This is all very nice, but it still sounds like a sales job, doesn’t it? In my nearly six decades of making mistakes on this planet, I have been conned, manipulated, taken advantage of, undermined, sidetracked, stabbed in the back, blindsided, and sold many ridiculous things I really did not want, did not need, and could not afford! So now I am really at a place in my life where it is very hard to sell me on anything. I am by nature a very suspicious and doubting person. Three + decades in Corrections didn’t make me any easier a mark, either. I am very keen on sales tricks, games and manipulations, and have very little patience with any of them.

Nevertheless, we are surrounded on every side with self-help and personal skills development books and programs galore. We have the classics, Norman Vincent Peale’s The Power of Positive Thinking, Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich. We of course have many applications and rip-offs of these principles in the religious field as well: Get more treasure in heaven! The Good News is that God WANTS you to be rich. Tithe and it is a spiritual law that God has to return it to you a hundredfold! Name it and claim it! Send in $100 to Rev. Ike today and he will send you a prayer cloth with his own anointed sweat on it. It will cure all your ills, balance your checkbook, wash your dishes, and bring that man you have been dreaming of into your life! Etc., etc., etc. Some forms of Christianity, as well as other religions use authority, fear, and guilt to dominate their own spheres of influence as well. In the psychological, therapeutic and “self-development” fields, there are books, courses, shows, videos, seminars and retreats, all designed to make you over, raise you to the next level, help you clean up your karma, clear your psyche, resolve past life traumas and implant the master mind principle deep within your spiritual consciousness. I am sure you can add your own examples to this ever-increasing list.

It sometimes seems safer to just completely retreat from the world, put up high defenses, and get involved with no one. Nevertheless, we all need each other. We all need relationships at some level. Abraham Maslow developed a theory of human motivation back in the Forties and Fifties that was based on what he called a “hierarchy of needs.” Maslow visualized a pyramid of five different levels: the physiological or basic survival needs, safety or security needs, belonging needs, esteem, and at the top, self-actualization, creativity, or spiritual needs. That third level, belonging, is what I am talking about. Belonging includes a need to associate, to have love in your life, relationships, family and friends. All of us need that at some level. While Maslow’s hierarchy has not stood up to 50 years of testing and research, it did show us that we all have needs on different levels and that somewhere in our own mix, we have a need for relationship with others. So whether you are a person of faith, an atheist, a completely secular person, or someone of a completely different philosophical conviction or inclination, we must all realize that we need to have relationships, and some have to be deeper than others. Relationships with other human beings are always messy, and they always cost you something. But to be fully human, we need them, not only to survive, but to thrive and to reach our highest potential as physical and, I believe, as spiritual creatures.

So plan on being a friend. Sit down and count the cost. Do you want to join a bowling league, the Optimist Club, a church, or Toastmasters perhaps? Consider your own interests, likes and dislikes. And then consider how much you want to invest in it, how much of your time, money and energy. Show an interest in people you meet and associate with. Do you want a friend? Then be a friend. Listen to him. Ask her questions. Find out their interests, likes and dislikes. Spend time with her. Call him and find out what is going on in his life. Have an open ear and an open heart. Don’t try to sell them anything, but share, converse, live on the same planet together. Have a good time! Be sure to keep your own neuroses in check, or as much as you possibly can. Know that whatever limit you have decided to set for yourself in time and money and emotion, relationships will usually end up costing you more than that. And sometimes you will get hurt. It is part of being human, and just sometimes downright unavoidable. So be smart, but be open. And the love you give will sometimes be matched by the love you get. But even when it is not, the loving is reward enough in itself. I believe the loving connects you to a source so much higher, deeper, purer than anything we can imagine, that it involves you in a relationship that will last forever.

So what about all those sales gimmicks out there? All those evangelistic, shopping channel, karma-cleansing, master-mind manipulations everyone is trying to sell you? Go ahead and investigate them. A little positive thinking never hurt anyone. A new technique here or there can help you communicate better. You can learn some good things. Ultimately, it’s all about your motives. So examine yours, keep them pure, and learn a little discernment along the way. And while I wish you the best on whatever path you choose, if you have nothing to do at 10:15 on Sunday mornings, come and worship with us at 975 Malabar Road NW in beautiful, metropolitan Palm Bay!

Given at Metro Palm Bay Toastmasters, July 6, 2010.